The Year I Lost Someone, But Found Myself

When was my life the most out of control?

I like to control my life.

I love planning ahead, organizing things, writing down what happened during my day, and most importantly, having no interruptions. Having a sense of order gives me comfort.

But I remember one time in my life when I completely lost control.

It was the time when a former lover ghosted me.

It was my first year living abroad. I was living alone, discovering things by myself, and learning how to survive in a completely new environment. It was an adventure. Everything felt new and exciting. I learned many things for the first time, explored places I had never been to, and even found someone who I thought would change my life forever.

Until he left.

It was one of the most miserable feelings I had ever experienced. It happened near the end of summer, around September 2016. My heart sank every single day. I couldn't smile. I couldn't focus. The only question that kept repeating in my mind was:

“Why?”

I had no answers. I had no control over what happened. So, I knew I had to become strong in order to survive.

I tried to fill my days with things that could keep me moving. One of those things was cycling.

I bought a pink bicycle that helped me travel around the nearby towns of Kyogoku. Every day after work, I put on my cycling clothes, wore my pink helmet, and rode my huge bicycle that I named “Fran.”

My actual pink bike, Fran

I know it sounds silly, but I became friends with Fran. I talked to her. I shared my thoughts with her. She became my companion during my darkest days.

Fran helped me crawl through the pain.

I cycled around Kyogoku every day. On weekends, I traveled to Kimobetsu. I even challenged myself to go all the way to Makkari for a full-day cycling adventure.

Every pedal helped me breathe. Every road helped me heal.

My actual cycling gear

Then winter came, and I had to say goodbye to Fran for a while. I placed her in the garage and searched for another way to keep myself busy.

That was when I discovered snowboarding.

I started taking a board and learning how to slide across the snow. I asked one of my Japanese friends to teach me, and although it was difficult during my first few attempts, I slowly learned through my own practice.

Every weekend, I tried my best to make time for myself. I went to the snowy slopes, enjoyed the mountains, and focused on my own happiness.

Of course, there were still moments when I remembered him. Sometimes I wondered if he was somewhere nearby. Sometimes those memories came back unexpectedly.

But I tried not to let those thoughts control me.

Instead, I focused on my own journey.

Looking back now, and seeing where I am today, I think I can proudly pat myself on the shoulder.

It wasn't the easiest time in my life. It was painful, confusing, and lonely. But I did everything I could to protect my heart and keep my sanity.

And I survived.

Now, I am happily married. My life may not have all the luxury, excitement, or the same kind of passion I experienced with that person before, but I have something much more valuable:

Peace.

I have a lifetime partner beside me. I can enjoy ordinary moments, move at my own pace, and appreciate the quiet happiness that I have built.

That version of myself in 2016 didn't know what the future would bring.

But she kept moving forward.

And I am grateful that she did. 😊🌸